I do my best to control my surroundings, my bubble of personal space that I do my best to fill with love, peace and rock & roll. Truth be told I am more apt to have meditation, soothing music or smooth jazz versus rock and roll, and my point is to have a nurturing atmosphere around me.
Sometimes that world gets rocked. Sometimes quite often. I know how I handle what is in front of me makes a huge difference in my ability to stay at peace. At this stage in my life, I am not interested in drama or high maintenance people. And, sometimes it doesn’t matter what I want.
I live with someone who has a heart so warm and loving more than I could have ever dreamt for. Most of the time.
When the extreme behavior started manifesting, I went through the emotions of shock, disbelief, guilt, wrong, worry as well as love and compassion. My heart hurts understanding a small token of the horrors that are relived or created in my husband’s head. He is a veteran of the Vietnam war. He is tormented daily and while he was able to exhibit pretty normalized social behavior for 40 years, the lid is currently off the box. Most of the time you would not notice anything. But then behind closed doors and sometimes more…
I am learning how to keep my sanity – safety by taking care of myself. By realizing it is not always about me, in fact it rarely is come to find out. Even if I feel attacked, if I step back and breathe, I don’t have to lash back. And I can’t always keep the peace even if I see something with others unfolding.
I like things smooth and easy going. Peaceful in fact. I may not be able to control the chaos around me, what I do know is out of the chaos can come some amazing phoenix if I am willing to risk feeling safe and embrace the unknown with love.